Perspective

Yes, I have another journal that I write in much more frequently, but the topics discussed in that one are much lighter. It's just not the place for heavier things, and fewer people read this. Both are reasons why I chose to come back to this.

I was at home for a short 36 hour visit before I go to Boston tomorrow for a work trip. I had a few things to take care of during the day.

That night I met up with one of my best friends. We ended up taking a short road trip out to her house in Festus, so she could take home some of her things from her dorm before she moves out tomorrow. We spent much of the 45 minute drive back talking about a philosophical topic that came up in one of her classes. It dealt with perspective. How time changes it, certain events change it, etc. I remarked then that simply telling someone that they should think or act differently is not enough. They have to find out for themselves. We're like curious kittens, if you really think about it.

Anyways, the discussion turned to religion. We both believe in some sort of higher power, but I remarked that I can't just sit down and fully accept God because I do not understand death. Why do great people have to die before their time, when people like Amy Winehouse seemingly have 9 lives? It just does not make sense.

My trip home was wonderful. I was reunited with one of my best friends for what might be the last time for months, I got to play guitars with my dad (that's been a dream of his for a while--it's just taken me a bit to get good enough to be able to really do it), and I saw my niece and the rest of my family.

I returned to school yesterday afternoon. My drive back was bittersweet. No, I didn't want to leave, things just...clicked. Unfortunately, work is work. I have to pay the bills somehow.

Honestly, I felt truly happy for the first time in a long, long time. I mean--I've had my moments of happiness, but there has always been something there telling me "This is why you can't be as happy as you should be!" Welcome to depression, I guess.

On the drive back, my sunroof was open, windows were down, and I was listening to my music. A true test for my happiness? I sing (poorly). I was singing old Beatles tunes, and Alanis Morissette at the top of my lungs. Yes, there are things in my life that need work and resolution, but I felt alive. No one was taking that away from me, damnit.

Before leaving, I told my mom and sister that I was taking my usual route back and that I was excited that the roads would be a little less congested than usual. I was also happy that I wouldn't have to use my GPS for once. (Monday night I used it to get around the I-40/64 shutdown. For some reason, I always manage to get turned around--no matter how many times I've made that trip).

However, I got to Highway 127 outside of Nashville and was diverted to 51 by a cop. I laughed, because I needed my GPS. 127 was closed, and it added 20 minutes to my route (according to my GPS) but I did not care. I took it all in. I turned off my music and just listened to the ambient sounds as I drove through the country roads.

Last night I played frisbee with one of my friends on campus. Yes, it's throwing the frisbee around, but it's really an excuse to just talk about things that are on our minds. I really value my weekly get-together because we're able to talk about anything. We cut the game short, and ended up talking for a couple of hours. It was basically about my trip back home and how enlightening it was, and how it helped put things into perspective for me.

I got home and logged onto Facebook, only to see a bunch of status updates that concerned me. They were about a guy who I had in several classes, class projects, etc. I had no idea what was going on, until I logged onto his page. Someone wrote on his wall, "Have fun with Jesus!" It hit me--he was dead.

The road was closed earlier because he got into an accident there and was pronounced dead at the scene. I've been in a haze ever since--it's just put things into perspective even more for me. Fuck, that could've been me.

He was leaving the SAME place I was leaving, heading to the SAME school, taking the SAME route. The only difference? When he made the trip.

Before I left home, I debated whether or not I should eat lunch at home, or wait until I got back to school. I had a quick bite at home, because I was too hungry to wait.

I do not know if that would've been me that would've gotten rear-ended by that semi had I not eaten, but it would've been damn close. The times just line up that way. That has made me an absolute mess--there are so many things that I want to do, so many things that I want to say to people, etc.

It brings me back to the conversation that I had on Monday night. Often times, it takes a huge event to change your perspective on life. Someone simply telling me that I should live life to the fullest was not enough. Unfortunately, it took a death to open my eyes once again. It's like I need something to happen every year that'll wake me up. Last year, it took a near death experience to wake me up. Let me tell you--you definitely change as a person when you close your eyes for what you believe is the final time.

I'm not saying that I've become "the enlightened one" overnight. I haven't. Because when it gets down to it, there are things in my life that I need to fix right now. Nothing huge or out of the ordinary, though.

Today to clear my mind I went to the high school. I found out that a kid I had worked with a few years ago killed himself.

That blows my mind. This morning, I was walking home from work when I thought to myself "What next?" I laughed and cut myself off, because that is a terrible question to ask. Things could always be much, much worse and you do not want to know the answer to that question. What I found out this afternoon validates that thought.

My personal drama just seems pretty insignificant right now.

It's just made me ask--if that was me, what would be said about me? Who would be at my funeral? What would they remember best?